


Never Forget

by JazzBaby466



Category: Dublin Murder Squad Series - Tana French
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-20
Updated: 2016-01-20
Packaged: 2018-05-15 04:06:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5770651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JazzBaby466/pseuds/JazzBaby466
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Cassie meets Abby again after everything is over, she says: "You and Daniel. Rafe and Justin." </p>
<p>Abby and Daniel, indeed. </p>
<p>This story begins during the week after Lexie's stabbing and continues until after the events of "The Likeness". Abby's life goes on after everything that happened in Whitethorn House. But she has a secret. And she thinks Rafe and Justin should know about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Forget

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first story on AO3. Basically, the reason I joined this site were the other fantastic Dublin Muder Squad fanfics on here. I'm glad that now I get to contribute, too. :)

The aftermath of That Night. The week from hell.

Four days had already gone by in that nauseating, fever-dream blur. Abby felt as if she was about to disintegrate.

Dinner had been disastrous, with Rafe staring gloomily into the distance, and simultaneously downing an alarming amount of whisky like it was nothing and Justin dropping first his fork – twice – then the salt shaker, spilling white grains all over the table, because he was shaking so much.

Meanwhile, Daniel had kept up the cold facade, acting like everything was fine, trying to keep them all from losing it completely, but Abby could see the tension in his back, the clenched fists with the white knuckles in his lap, hidden only from Rafe and Justin’s eyes. In a desperate attempt to stick with their routines, Daniel asked if they all wanted to play cards, but this only served to remind them of the poker game of horror, the most bizarre situation in all of their lives, a sickeningly twisted version of all the lovely nights that had gone before. In the end, Abby and Daniel played a half-hearted game of piquet, with Justin just sitting on the couch, still shaking and looking like he was having a hard time keeping his dinner down, and Rafe continuing to drink.

Abby noticed the way Daniel’s eyes kept flickering over to him, like he was expecting him to snap any moment now, and eventually, it happened. Rafe put his glass down with a final bang and stared at Abby, who almost dropped her cards at the sudden noise, and Daniel, who turned his head coolly. “Are you two insane?”, Rafe began, wild-eyed and furious. “Look at yourselves, sitting there, playing cards, for fuck’s sake! Of all things!”

He looked like he might pick up his glass again and throw it next.

“Rafe-”, Abby said, but broke off when she was hit by his hateful glare.

“Yes, we’re playing cards”, Daniel said with dangerous calm. “Which is quite a common activity in this household, Rafe, as I’m certain you’ve noticed.”

“Do you hear yourself talk, Daniel?”, Rafe yelled, practically spitting out the words. “Sitting there with your fucking cards, like Lexie’s on a bloody holiday or something! This is your great big plan? Acting like nothing happened, playing fucking piquet? You make me sick!”

“You’re drunk”, Daniel declared, meeting Rafe’s feral glare with unblinking, impervious eyes. “And you’re being incredibly rude.”

Rafe threw back his head theatrically, laughing a high-pitched, insane laugh that made Abby shudder. “I’m being rude? God, that’s rich, Daniel! Obviously, my manners are our biggest problem at the moment! Do you not see how insane this is? You can’t possibly expect us to keep this madness up! And for fuck’s sake”, he turned to Justin with a disgusted headshake, “get a grip and stop shaking like you have Parkinson’s!”

The look of pure hurt on Justin’s face made Abby’s stomach churn painfully.

“Stop it!”, she hissed at Rafe. “You leave him alone!”

He looked surprised for a moment, then downed the rest of his drink.

“Maybe you should go to bed”, Daniel said and his tone implied that it was more than just a friendly suggestion.

Rafe realized this too, gave all three of them another disgusted glance and said: “This is a nightmare”, before walking out of the room, looking an impossible combination of furious and helpless.

“When is this going to be _over_?”, Justin whined, covered his face and quickly fled the room. When he closed the door, Abby could hear an uncontrolled sob.

We’re lost, she thought suddenly and clearly, and the words sent a sharp pain through her heart. We’re all lost and forever damaged and things are never going to be like they were.

 

**

 

Daniel and her finished the game in silence, then he said: “It’s getting late. Maybe we should go to bed, too”, and she nodded.

Three hours later, she was still awake, all alone in her room, staring at the shifting shapes of blackness on the ceiling. Sleeping was impossible. Sleeping would mean letting go of the tension that had kept her upright these last few days. She felt like a sprinter, who had run at maximum speed for too long and was now afraid to stop, because exhaustion was sure to hit then, and hit hard. If she relaxed now, she thought, and allowed her mind to wander instead of shutting out all the dark, dangerous things, she would simply break down, begin crying and never stop again.

Whenever she was close to drifting off, the images came out of hiding to jump at her. The knife in Justin’s hand, long and dangerous. The look on his face when he leaped towards Lexie, outraged and savage, so unbelievably _un-_ Justin. The shock on hers, as she looked down and realized what was going on, started to feel the wound.

Abby sat up quickly. She had to get up. Suddenly, her room, which she loved so dearly, felt like this dark, terrible place. She was fighting back tears; her gasps echoed in the emptiness. In a dizzying rush, she got up, out of her room and down the stairs. She wasn’t sure where she was planning on going, safe for a vague idea about getting a drink of something (water? whisky?), when she saw light in the sitting room. For a split second she hesitated, stood still, asked herself how much more she could take, how much strength was left in her spine to hold her upright, when she realized she couldn’t go back up to her room, forever wondering which of the boys she’d left down here all on his own. So she pushed her small body through the space between the door and its frame.

A quick motion, a head whipping around, a pair of grey eyes meeting hers: Daniel.

“Abby”, he said on a sigh. He sounded relieved and as she thought it, she realized that she was, too. Justin’s constant shaking and blank terror, Rafe’s anger and self-loathing. It would have been too much. But this was Daniel, calm and collected and in control of things.

“Mind if I join you?”, she asked quietly. He smiled and gestured towards the spot on the couch beside him. Abby walked across the room to him and for the first time in ages, she felt light and young. The moment was like a flame in the wind that flickers. And dies.

“Are Rafe and Justin asleep?”, Daniel asked her.

She shrugged. “Not a psychic, am I? But I didn’t hear anything from their rooms.”

Daniel nodded solemnly. “I hope they get some sleep, rest up. Today was strenuous.”

Abby let out a sound, half quiet breath, half bitter laugh. “Those bleeding cops”, she said, looking around the sitting room, staring at the carpet they examined so carefully. “Swarming the place like they own it. In and out of every room, all over the place… They have no right.”

For a moment, Daniel let the sadness slide into his eyes. “I’m afraid they do. They do now.”

“Yeah, well, fuck that!”, Abby whispered angrily. “I hate it. And Justin, poor Justin! They’re only making it worse. I know he’s trying to control the shaking and everything, but the effort is wearing him down, I can see it. I don’t know how much longer he’s going to be able to keep it up.”

Suddenly, fear, powerful as a tidal wave, surged through her and she turned to Daniel, wide-eyed. “What if they break him? What if he…?”

“Shhh…”, Daniel interrupted gently. “Nothing like that is going to happen. Justin is stronger than you think. And he has us to lean on.”

As if he’d been reading her mind, he added reassuringly: “And we’re stronger than you think, too.”

She took a deep breath and nodded. She wanted his confidence, his calm to envelop he, soothe her to the core.

“What about Rafe, though”, she asked instead, quietly. “The amounts he’s been drinking… The mood he’s been in these last few days! All smiles and pleasantness for the cops, but he hasn’t said anything remotely nice to any of us ever since…”

Again, she broke off and Daniel gave her his steady, gentle look. She felt her lip tremble and apparently Daniel noticed it, because he reached out and covered her hand with his, warm and strong.

“Rafe will be alright”, he said firmly. “It’s all a lot to cope with, it’s not easy, but he _is_ coping. In his own way. He’ll be nasty to us for a bit, but he’ll work through that. And I’ll keep an eye on his drinking, alright? Don’t worry. It won’t stay like this. Things will be different again.”

“I hate this”, Abby replied in a strained whisper. Her throat felt tight and her voice sounded too high. Getting the words out hurt, but she kept talking anyway. “I hate what I’ve become. Yesterday, I threw a fork at Rafe! I keep baking these stupid pies, because I don’t know what to do with myself! I know it’s ridiculous, but I just don’t know what I should be doing instead and I need to keep busy, because otherwise all the insanity will catch up with me and I can’t let that happen!”

The fast string of words broke off, she took a breath, looked at Daniel with pleading eyes, “When did I become this mad woman, Daniel? When did we all turn into these… _parodies_ of ourselves?”

He kept one hand on hers, used the other to cup her face. “You’re not mad”, he said softly. “This whole thing may be mad, but you’re not. And neither am I. And we’ll make it through this together. I promise.”

Abby felt the tension go out of her shoulders, sighed and leaned back against Daniel. His warmth, his solidness… it was exactly what she needed in that moment.

“Sometimes”, she began carefully, “I forget that we’re in this mess.”

Daniel made a small, understanding noise, encouraging her to keep talking without interrupting her. At the same time, he placed a hand on her head and began stroking her hair. It might have been one of the nicest things she’d ever felt.

“There’s this moment”, she continued, “in the morning, right after I wake up, when I feel like everything’s fine, like I’ll just go downstairs and make breakfast with Lexie and then we’ll all drive into Trinity together and then… then I remember that I won’t be making breakfast with her and suddenly it’s like I’m falling and everything comes back to me in a rush and I feel sick.”

She had to hold her breath for a moment to fight back those sobs, because she knew that if she didn’t, they would come out in a long, gasp-y, violent, uncontrollable, never-ending string. What saved her, more than her self-control, was Daniel. By now Abby was so used to him taking care of things, being there for everybody else, that his lack of a reply, his sudden silence, felt instantly unsettling. She looked up and felt like she was seeing him, _really_ seeing him, for the first time since the whole thing started. He looked tired suddenly, worn-out, like an older version of himself, his face sunken and grey. Those white knuckles in his lap during dinner, how had she forgotten them so quickly?

She whispered his name urgently, but he was still staring straight ahead. All of a sudden, Abby felt the urge to thank him, so she did.

“Thank you for everything, Daniel. We’d be lost without you.”

This got him to snap out of it. He turned his head, the ghost of a smile on his face.

“I’d be lost without you”, he replied and Abby wasn’t sure whether he meant them, _all_ of them, or her, just her.

She felt something shift in the air, felt the atmosphere change. She reached out and put a hand on his back and it was as if an electric current passed between them. Their eyes met; a steady gaze, full of longing and understanding. When Daniel’s face suddenly came closer, for a moment Abby wondered if she was dreaming. But the details of the scene were all too clear, too real: his smell, clean wool and a hint of smoke and aftershave, his eyelashes, so close she could count them, the slight blush on his high cheekbones… Automatically, she leaned forward. When their lips touched, she closed her eyes. It was the kiss she’d been waiting for. Many chances for it had come over the years, and gone again. Now it was here and the reality of it took her breath away. She tried to put everything into it, all of her thankfulness and love and the horror of the last days and the fact that without him she would be somebody else. He responded accordingly. Abby could barely remember the last time she’d seen Daniel show any deeper emotion and now she could feel it, he was opening up and laying it all out in front of her in the kiss. They’d never been closer.

She gasped when she felt one of his hands in her hair, going through it like he was searching for something, the other on her lower back. In response, she ran hers over his body, enjoying the fact that she was finally allowed more than a brief touch. All places were now open for her, she could trace all of his lines, grab his thigh, run her fingers under his sweater and over bare skin…

“Abby”, he said breathlessly, before she pressed her lips onto his again and the kiss continued.

Later, she could never remember who had initiated it. She only knew that she felt him unbuttoning her blouse and that she was taking off his glasses and pulling his sweatshirt over his head and that soon, after just a few more quick movements of pushing and pulling, they were both naked.

They never once worried about Rafe or Justin hearing them or – God forbid – walk in on them. Stopping to go to one of their rooms didn’t even occur to them, because that would involve a brief pause of the action, which seemed impossible, because passion had already taken them over completely.

 

It had been years since either of them had had sex. Abby felt like she was high on some amazing drug. Her blood was singing and her mind was clouded with the realization that the thing she’d tried not to dream about for years, but had never quite managed to block out completely, was coming alive under her fingers. The smell of Daniel’s soft hair, the feel of his skin on hers… it was intoxicating.

He seemed to experience similar emotions. She couldn’t remember the last time words had failed her, but it was here now and apparently, he was in the same position.

All of their long, complicated conversations seemed to crumble and dissolve into nothing in the light of this new form of communication; the immediate transfer of love from one to the other.

For Abby, who could barely remember the last time she’d climaxed, the sensation knocked the breath out of her lungs and sent her whole body trembling, while Daniel cradled her and held her close.

Long afterwards, they still lay on the couch together. Not a word passed between them. There was no need for it. Abby looked out onto the moonlit lawn, watched the nighttime clouds travel across the sky and synchronized her breath with Daniel’s, while curling into the warm curve of his body. The house was pulsing all around them with the aftermath of what they’d done, absorbing the energy into its walls, saving it.

When finally, the sun began coming up over the distant hills, Daniel pressed one last kiss on her head and sat up. “Rafe and Justin will wake up soon”, he said, and his voice, having been inactive for hours, sounded hoarse. “We should probably go to our bedrooms now.”

“Okay”, she said and nodded, running her fingers through her tousled hair. Daniel was already up and collecting his clothes. “See you at breakfast.”

He smiled at her, a last, final, private smile, just for her, and as she saw it, she realized she’d probably never see it again. What had happened between them, she knew, was unique to the feel of that night, of the entire impossible, maniac feel of That Week. It could never happen again.

“See you at breakfast”, he confirmed and left.

 

***

 

These days, Abby thought often of that night with Daniel. She thought of other nights, too. The typical, yet beautiful ones. Playing cards with him, sorting through Uncle Simon’s things with him and laughing at what they found, speaking softly out on the patio after sundown… She thought of Daniel a lot. And she thought of Lexie, too.

Abby tried, with all of the strength she had left, not be angry with either of them. Not to blame them for the choices they’d made. Or for dying.

Lexie’s death had been an accident. Daniel’s a sacrifice. And even though their absence hurt like a hole in her belly, ripped by a shrapnel, she wanted to love the two of them in death as she had in life.

“’Scuse me!”

Her thoughts were interrupted suddenly, when a boy with a rugby player’s build shoved her to the side and ran past her, down the stairs, taking two steps at a time. Abby stared after him, baffled. She wasn’t used to people being rude around her anymore. The years with the others had softened her. She remembered the gentleness of Daniel’s hands on her head as he walked past her, Justin’s warm hand between her shoulder blades, Lexie’s tight, passionate hugs. As time had passed and she’d been safely tugged into the middle of this loving circle, slowly she’d forgotten the way things were on the outside. She was, as Rafe’s da would have put it, back in the real world now and everything was loud and rough and unfamiliar.

For example, she didn’t know the names of the other people living with her at Student Central. When she’d moved in, it had seemed as good a place as any. After all, single rooms with minimum furniture and decoration where exactly what she was used to. She thought that maybe she’d even feel at home.

It wasn’t like that, though. She hated it. Abby repeatedly told herself that she had lived in worse, but it didn’t help. Whitethorn House had changed her.

Rugby guy banged the door shut. Abby briefly wondered whether he was on the way to some date he’d forgotten about, and was now panicking because no girl likes to shag a boy who arrives fifteen minutes late. Then, she sighed and went the rest of the stairs up to her room. Inside, she stared at her bed, the table and the boarded-up fireplace for a while. Then, she looked out the window and desperately tried to convince herself that this was a good room, after all. At least, she thought, the window is looking out to the west and I can see the sunset. It didn’t help.

She sighed again and began putting the groceries away. She hadn’t bought a lot. Some pasta, some cereal, milk, some bread… Most of it was off-brand. This didn’t really bother her, because it was what she had grown up with. But eating in general was a problem. It wasn’t so much the food. She wasn’t picky or anything. It was the cooking.

When she pulled the two-ring cooker out of the wall, every single time it felt as if something inside her had just died. Sometimes, she just stood there and stared at it and involuntarily the thought of Whitethorn House with its beautiful kitchen swept over her. In those moments, it was as if she could hear the boys talking while preparing dinner, as if she could smell the food, warm and rich and promising.

Then, when she started making a tiny portion of crap food for herself, it was almost more than she could bear. These kind of juxtapositions followed her everywhere she went. When she went to lie down in her new bed at night, she immediately thought of her own bed, in Whitethorn House, so comfortable and nice, and now no more than a pile of ash. She looked at the weed on the lawn in front of the house and thought of the herb garden. She looked at the doorbells downstairs and thought of the heavy brass knocker. Even when she talked to other people, she couldn’t help but think of the other five and the way she had talked with them. Now everything, everyone she met paled in comparison to Daniel, Justin, Rafe, Lexie and Whitethorn House.

Abby got herself a bowl and a spoon, then sat down at the tiny table, feeling empty. She opened the cereal box and the milk and forced some of it down her throat.

Cooking was too depressing, eating too lonely. No wonder she’d lost so much weight. But she knew that there were reasons she had to eat, so she kept doing it, even when she didn’t want to.

Sometimes, it was as if she could hear Daniel’s voice in her head. _Abby, please._

And she listened. Because she’d always listened to Daniel.

When she went to wash the bowl and the spoon, she noticed the photo on the counter. It showed the five of them in front of Whitethorn House, on a snowy day. The detective woman had visited her and left her the photo. Abby liked looking at it. This way, she wouldn’t forget any of their faces or how happy they’d been.

There was something she needed to do that she’d been putting off for a few days now. She knew that she wanted to, but she was scared of being rejected. Looking at the photo helped. It reminded her of how close they’d been. Hopefully, the others would remember that, too.

Abby wondered whether maybe she should wait and watch the sunset first. But it was almost summer now. The days were long and the sun wouldn’t go down before ten o’clock.

So finally, she found the courage and picked up the phone. She’d call Rafe first. If he said Yes, it would be easy to convince Justin.

The phone rang for a long time. Abby was almost certain that he wouldn’t pick up, when finally, he did.

“ ‘ello…?”

He sounded drunk. Not that Abby had expected him to be sober.

“Rafe. Hi.”

He was silent for a moment. She could almost see that confused frown on his face.

“Abby…?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“Well, hi”, he said and sounded like he was on the edge of a laughing fit.

Abby didn’t feel like laughing. “Look”, she said seriously. “Can you maybe go somewhere quiet for a moment?”

There were people shouting all around him. Abby thought she heard someone say: “Who is it, Raffy?” And she could make out the words: “Annoying ex?”

“Um…”, Rafe said, sounding amused again. “I’m at a club.”

“Yes, I figured”, Abby replied coolly. “I need to talk to you, Rafe. So can you please go somewhere quiet? Just for a moment?”

“Aight”, he agreed and the background noise grew fainter.

“Where are you?”, Abby asked.

“In the jacks!” That brought the giggle out at last. Abby calmly waited until he had recovered.

“How are you, Rafe?”, she asked then.

“Oh… um… Fantastic. Everything’s fan-fucking-tastic.”

He wasn’t being sarcastic. He was too drunk for that. When she said nothing, he added, more seriously: “I have a job.”

“I know. Fair play to you.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

After a pause, he said: “Are you…?” But apparently he wasn’t sure where to go with the question and trailed off.

“I’m fine”, she said. “Mostly. But there’s something I need to tell you.”

She knew that any second now, one of his new mates would need a wee and come in there. He’d have “Raffy” back on the dancing floor right away. She didn’t have much time.

“Okaaay…?”, Rafe said slowly. “Tell me, then.”

“No. It’s not that simple. I need to tell you in person.”

Rafe snorted. “Are you gonna come here, then? Is that what you’re saying?”

Being back in London had thickened his accent. Abby wondered whether he looked different, too.

“No. I can’t. That’s not what I’m saying.”

“Then what are you saying?” He sounded impatient now. Eager to get back to the others for another pint.

“I want you to come to Dublin. Not for long. Just for a talk.”

Rafe snorted again. “Good one, Abby.”

“Rafe. Please. It’s important.”

“But I’m in London!”

“I know. But flights don’t take long. And we both know you have the money.”

“I suppose…”, he said vaguely.

“Rafe. I need to tell you something very important that I think you should know. I want to meet you at Whitethorn House this weekend.”

“Whitethorn House?”, he exclaimed. “Hello? There is no Whitethorn House anymore? Are you thick or something?”

“No need to be _rude_. I know there isn’t much left of it. I still want to see it and I want to tell you the thing there. Do you understand?”

Rafe seemed uncertain. “So… you want me to come to Dublin? You’re serious?”

“As a heart attack.”

When he didn’t reply, she added with a pleading note: “I’m serious, Rafe. I know you have a new life in London. That’s alright. I just want to see you one more time and tell you the important thing, alright? That’s all I’m asking. Come to Dublin. Meet me outside Glenskehy. One more time. Afterwards, if that’s what you want, you won’t hear from me again. Promise.”

“Look, Abby”, he sounded almost sober suddenly. “I have to get back to the others. I-“

“Just say Yes, then. Say Yes and we’ll hang up.”

He sighed. “It’s important, you said.”

“It is.”

“Look.” There was desperate note in his voice now. “I never wanted to come back to Dublin. I wanted to forget all about everything that happened. I have a new life here. A crap one, maybe. But it’s a life.”

“I know that, Rafe. I know that it won’t be easy for you to come back here. So if you do, I’ll really appreciate it.”

There were background voices again now. Maybe the others were looking for him.

“Okay”, he said, sounding hoarse. “I’ll probably hate myself in the morning for saying this, but okay. I’ll come. I’m booking a flight tomorrow.”

“Great! Text me when you have the tickets, alright? Just so I know that you haven’t forgotten.”

“Alright. I will. I gotta go now. Sorry.”

“It’s fine. I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah”, he said. Somebody called, obnoxiously loud and with serious difficulty at enunciating the words correctly: “There you are, Raffy!”

And Rafe hung up.

Abby stared out the window, took a deep breath and smiled. He’d said Yes. She would hold him to that.

 

Talking with Justin was much easier. He picked up on the second ring and he actually sounded glad to hear her voice.

“Abby, sweetie! How are you?”

“I was about to ask you the same thing.” She smiled.

“Me? Oh, you know.”

“What’ve the little brats done this time?”

“Ah, sure. They’re being horrible. Gay this, bugger that. I think since I’ve started teaching them they’ve significantly expanded their vocabularies.”

“Only vulgar words, though?” She laughed.

“For the most part, yes. But it still means I’ve taught them something, doesn’t it?”

“It sure does”, she grinned. “Justin. It’s good to talk to you.”

“How are you, Abby?”, he asked quietly.

“Not sure”, she replied honestly before she could help herself. “There’s something I need to tell you. You and Rafe. You both need to know.”

There was a short, stunned silence. “Me and Rafe? What is it, Abby?”

“I can’t tell you over the phone. I’m sorry.”

“Well… why not?”

“It’s too important.”

“Fine. Then… come see me?”

“I wanted to meet you at Whitethorn House, Justin.”

He sucked in his breath. “I’m not sure… I mean, I don’t know if I want to go there. I honestly don’t think that…”

“Shh”, she said. “It’ll be okay. I think we should have a look at it. The three of us, together. Say good-bye. I think that would help. Don’t you?”

“Well, maybe”, he said evasively. “But Rafe’s in London!”

“He’ll be here this weekend. I just talked to him. If he’s coming, can you?”

There was another silence. Then Justin said: “Rafe’s really coming? Back to Dublin?”

“Yes.” “In that case… If he’s getting on a plane, I suppose I can get into a car, right?”

“Good man”, Abby smiled. “I can’t wait to see you, Justin. I miss you.”

“I miss you, too. And the others. I miss everything.”

“Me, too.”

They talked for a while longer, then hung up. The hollow silence that followed was too much for Abby. It was still early, but she crawled under the covers and tried to sleep.

Soothingly, she told herself that in a few days, she’d see the boys. And she would tell them the important thing. And maybe it would help.

 

***

 

The days were undeniably getting longer. Most days now, it was warm enough for Abby to unbutton her grey coat. Dublin was vibrant these days, all blue sky and sunlight reflected off cars and windows, and people’s laughter. On Trinity campus, young couples everywhere were holding hands or sneaking off for a private snog session. Abby could practically see the pheromones vaporize off everyone’s skin. The students in her tutorial where especially giggly and hormonal and hard to work with these days. _Mating season_ , Abby thought grimly when she saw the boys crack stupid jokes and the girls pretending that they were hilarious. The worst part was that she knew, if the others were still at Trinity, they’d think the same and they’d all have a laugh and Abby would just think it was funny instead of annoying.

At least Rafe had texted her and confirmed that he’d bought the tickets. And Justin had promised to drive to Glenskehy and meet her in front of the remains of Whitethorn House Friday night.

Wednesday and Thursday, Abby forced herself to eat, even though she felt far too nervous. Friday, she couldn’t swallow a single bite. She sat in the library for hours, trying to work on her thesis, but she couldn’t focus. Again and again, she wondered exactly _how_ she was supposed to tell them and didn’t have an answer.

When the time had come, she put on a wide sweatshirt and her grey coat, because if they stayed long it might still get cold at night, and called herself a taxi. The cabbie gave her an amused look when she told him where to take her. The ride cost a fortune, of course, but Abby didn’t exactly have anybody to ride with. Besides, she had more money now than ever before, and she wasn’t really investing it in anything. So she might as well make this cabbie’s day.

They drove by Glenskehy and Abby felt a painful twist in her intestines. This was the route they’d taken day after day on the way back home, after a day in the library. She knew every house, every tree on the way. She had thought she’d be driving this exact route for years to come. Instead, this might be the very last time.

“The Wicklow hills, eh”, the cabbie said unexpectedly, while looking out at the landscape. “Nice enough area, yeah.”

“Yes. Beautiful”, Abby agreed, then had to turn away, because her eyes were burning. She remembered when Daniel had first told them that he’d inherited Whitethorn House _. It’s located right outside of this small village called Glenskehy. In the Wicklow mountains. Beautiful surroundings._

As they approached Whitethorn House, Abby thought she might be sick. The first time she’d driven this way, she’d been nervous, too. Daniel had told them about the house, but she hadn’t quite been able to imagine it. She’d been anxious to actually stand in front of it and see it.

The way she felt now was some twisted version of the tingling excitement she’d felt that first time. She had wondered often how the house looked now, but she couldn’t grasp it. In her mind, it was still intact and beautiful as ever.

Then, the cab turned around a corner and Abby felt as if she’d been kicked in the stomach. She put her hands to it and doubled over slightly. She was nauseous.

Where the roof had been, there was nothing, only a vast, dark-blue sky. The ground looked as if a blizzard with black snow had come over it. Dark ash and rubble where everywhere. There were chunks of wood and other unidentifiable material. Fine ashes like dust. Huge, blackened pieces of what had once been a sofa, an armchair and – Abby’s stomach heaved – the beautiful chestwood piano. All turned into this mess, this picture of chaos and ugliness.

She wondered, suddenly, whether asking Rafe and Justin to come here had been a mistake.

“Is this it?”, the cabbie asked and Abby jumped.

“Uh… yes. Thank you.”

She was charged slightly less than the outrageous amount of money she’d expected and got out of the car. Like a sleepwalker, she walked up to the remains of Whitethorn House.

She stared, scanning the place for familiar things and found blackened pieces of wallpaper or carpet here and there, almost unidentifiable.

Suddenly feeble and deflated, she dropped to the ground. There she sat, staring at the pile of ash that had been her home, until another car arrived. When she turned her head, she saw Justin get out. He, too, looked as if he had lost some weight. His features were more pronounced. There were sharp edges and shadows in his face that hadn’t been there before. He looked older.

At first, he seemed to see only her. “Abby!”, he called out and ran towards her. She didn’t have the energy to get up, but he didn’t seem to mind. He bent down to hug her tightly, then sat down next to her.

“There you are, sweetie”, he whispered. “It’s good to see you.”

She couldn’t speak. A hoarse “Justin” was all she could get through her tight throat.

The smile vanished off his face when he saw her expression. Slowly, he turned and faced the remnants of Daniel’s inheritance. A whimper escaped him.

“Oh God…”, he whispered and Abby nodded.

“Sorry…”, she croaked. “Sorry I made you come here.”

“Oh, no!”, he said immediately and put his arm around her. “It’s fine, really. I don’t think I was… prepared for this, you know? But I kept wondering…. Kept wondering what it looked like now. It’s probably good we’re here. Even if it hurts. It’s probably good to actually see it. Like you said, maybe it’ll help.”

“I hope so…”, she said and leaned into his embrace. For a few minutes, they sat in silence and shared grief and Abby listened only to Justin’s breathing, which had a calming effect on her. His presence in itself was comforting and she was glad that she didn’t have to face what was left of the house alone.

After a while, another car drove up the street and stopped. Rafe, also in a cab.

“He really came”, Justin whispered in amazement as he got out of the car and started walking towards them.

“I told you he said Yes”, Abby replied with a small smile. The fact that both boys were here with her now made things a little better, even if it made Daniel and Lexie’s absence painfully visible.

“Am I late?”, Rafe asked with a grin as he came closer.

This time, Abby did get up, and so did Justin.

“We were just about to leave again”, she said in the faint attempt of a joke and hugged him. “Thanks for coming”, she said quietly next to his ear as he squeezed her.

Justin and Rafe stood in front of each other awkwardly for a moment, then Rafe put his arms around Justin and they hugged, too.

“How was the flight?”, Justin asked.

“Better than your drive, I’d figure”, Rafe replied with a grin. “And shorter, too.”

“Ah, I didn’t mind.”

Rafe nodded, then shifted his attention to the rubble on the ground. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment.

“That bastard…”, he said quietly and they all knew who he was talking about. “I’ll kill him…!”

“Don’t”, said Justin, even quieter.

Unspoken words unfolded between them: _One murderer in our round is enough._

After a while, Rafe turned to Abby. “So… did you want to stay here?”

She shrugged. “It’s not exactly like we’d be welcome down at Reagan’s. We might as well sit here.”

Rafe rolled his eyes and said: “Yeah, it’s a lovely spot”, irritably, but then sat down beside Abby. At least it hadn’t rained in days and the grass was dry and almost warm.

Justin, who was sitting on her other side, took Abby’s arm, picked it up and looked at her wrist. “You look so thin!”, he said worriedly. “Have you lost a lot of weight?”

“Some”, she admitted. “My cooking isn’t as good as yours.”

He smiled sadly. “I’d send food over if I could.”

“So you’re still at Trinity”, Rafe said suddenly, running his eyes over Abby.

“Yes. I want to finish what I’ve started.” She tried not to sound defiant. Apparently, she failed, because Rafe wiggled petulantly in his spot.

“Yeah, well, I have a job now. It pays well.”

“I know”, said Abby. “I already said congratulations, didn’t I?”

“Do you like it, though?”, Justin asked, without looking at Rafe.

Some red crept into his cheeks. “That’s not the point, is it?”, he said vehemently. “Like I said, it pays well. And at least I have something to do. It’s not like you had such a good time back at Trinity, did you?”

All color left Justin’s face. His panic attack in the Arts Block in front of everyone was obviously still vivid in his memory.

“Stop it, Rafe”, Abby said, looking down at her lap.

He sighed.

“What are you doing, then, these days?”, he asked Justin next, by way of apology.

“I teach at a boys’ school up North”, Justin explained. “They have zero respect for me, but I still like being in the area. It’s out in the country. Fresh air, you know? It’s nice.”

Rafe frowned. “Why don’t they respect you?”

Justin shrugged. “They know I’m gay. I didn’t exactly tell them, but I suppose they just figured.”

“Homophobic little brats!” Rafe was shaking his head. “Sounds like I need to come up there and give them a good ass-whooping.”

“We condemn corporal punishment at my school, I’m afraid.”

“Shame”, Rafe said and Justin smiled a little.

“They just figured out that you’re gay”, Abby said, amused. “Remember how you made such a big deal out of telling us? You thought it was this big secret, didn’t you?”

Justin grinned at the memory. “And you asked me whether I wanted you to act surprised.”

Abby laughed softly. “Well, I wasn’t.”

“I know”, said Justin and gave her arm a squeeze. “And for some reason, that helped.”

“You were ridiculously obvious”, Rafe agreed, chuckling.

For a brief moment, the three of them were simply back together and they were talking and laughing and it felt good, almost as if things were back to what they used to be. They kept doing it for as long as they could, because they needed it to build up their strength for the next part. It was familiar and comforting and Abby realized that she hadn’t laughed in days and that it felt good. But it couldn’t last. Not in front of the dark, dangerous pile of a burned-down home.

Finally, Rafe took a deep breath and said: “Abby. What did you want to tell us?”

She swallowed. Her throat felt tight again suddenly. Both Justin and Rafe were looking at her attentively and she knew that this was the moment to tell them, but she still didn’t know how.

“Please”, said Rafe. “I came all the way from London. Please just say it.”

But she couldn’t. Instead, she started slowly. “Remember the week after…” There was no point in sugar-coating things anymore, she decided suddenly. “after Lexie died?”

Justin flinched. Rafe’s face was a mask.

“Of course”, he said and his voice sounded incredibly deep and rough.

Justin only nodded.

“Well… one night, I couldn’t sleep. It was the day Daniel and I were playing cards and you yelled at us, Rafe, remember? Anyway, that night, I couldn’t sleep. I came back downstairs and Daniel was still in the living room. He couldn’t sleep, either. We talked for a while and then we… we slept with each other.”

Justin’s mouth turned into a startled little O. Rafe stared at her, then laughed coldly. “Is that it, Abby? Because if I flew all the way over here, only so you could tell us that you hooked up with Daniel one night, which isn’t exactly as much of a surprise as you might think…”

“That’s not it”, she interrupted sharply. And then, because she still didn’t know how to say it, she simply unbuttoned her coat and pulled up her sweatshirt.

Justin gasped. Rafe’s eyes widened. The bump wasn’t too big yet, but she’d become so thin that it was still clearly visible.

“Fucking hell…”, Rafe whispered, then threw his head back, laughing coldly. “I didn’t realize it was like that. I didn’t realize it was all just one big orgy.”

“Rafe…”, Justin pleaded, but Rafe wasn’t done yet.

“Everyone just slept with everyone, huh? Is that why we moved into the house? So we could all just shag each other?”

“It wasn’t like that!”, Justin insisted, on the edge of tears.

“Yes, it bloody was!”, Rafe yelled. “Everyone of us had sex with at least one of the others! And the two girls in our group got knocked up! Jesus, if it was anatomically possible, I bet you’d be pregnant too, Justin!”

“That doesn’t even make any sense!”, Justin cried out.

“I’m sorry”, Abby whispered, staring ahead at the rubble. “I’m pregnant with Daniel’s child. I thought you two should know.”

Rafe sprang to his feet suddenly. “Well, lovely of you to tell me, thank you very much, but this…”, he pointed at her round belly, “is bullshit! Not sure what you expected me to say, but I’m not going to congratulate you on carrying a dead man’s child!”

Abby’s eyes had filled with tears. They were spilling from them and running over her cheeks. Still, she didn’t have it in her to turn her head.

“I need to get back to London!”, Rafe asserted forcefully. Given the circumstances, it was ridiculous. He had only just arrived, but he didn’t seem to care. “Great seeing you two again. Have fun. Bye.”

He stormed off, towards the village and another cab, and Abby sobbed openly. Justin put his arms around her and she turned towards him and buried her face on his shoulder and cried for a long time.

Finally, she started taking long, shaky breaths and looked up. “I’m sorry”, she said and Justin started pushing strands of her hair out of her face gently.

“It’s alright”, he said. “I understand.”

After a while, he added: “Rafe didn’t mean what he said. He didn’t mean to be so cruel. I think it’s because of… because of his baby. Lexie’s baby. Because it died.”

Abby nodded and a few more tears ran down her face.

“That’s why he couldn’t bear the fact that Daniel’s child is going to live, I think.”

“Probably”, Abby agreed. “I was scared this might happen. That he might snap at the mention of another baby… But I thought he had a right to know anyway, you know?”

Justin nodded and pulled her closer again. “He did. You did the right thing. Imagine if he’d found out a few months from now or worse, years. Now he knows and he’ll find a way to cope with it.”

“You think?”

“I hope.”

Slowly, Abby’s breathing normalized.

“Can I ask something?”, Justin inquired softly.

“Sure.”

“When did you find out?”

“Not too long ago. I didn’t get my period, of course, but somehow that was the last thing on my mind. Honestly, for a long time I didn’t even realize I was late. Normally, Lexie and I were always in sync, but that detective wasn’t really her, of course, and I didn’t notice… I think, in my mind I had just completely blocked out the possibility. I was totally oblivious until I moved in to Student Central and went shopping one day and suddenly stood in front of this shelf with tampons. It seemed insane, but I bought a pregnancy test. Then three more, to be sure. I knew, then.”

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.”

“You’re here now”, she said and he squeezed her shoulder.

“So Lexie and you were both pregnant”, he said contemplatively.

“Not at the same time.” Abby had spent a lot of time thinking about this. “I got pregnant after she had already died with the baby, remember?”

It felt weird saying the words out loud. It made everything realer.

“Of course.” He nodded solemnly.

“I didn’t know that, though. I even talked to her, well, to that detective lady, about the baby. I was already pregnant, then. I had no idea.”

“How strange”, he said gently and she agreed.

“You’re having the baby, then”, he said after a while.

“Yes. I’m not planning to get on a ferry to England, if that’s what you mean. I’m having it. I _want_ to have it.”

“Are you going to finish your PhD before?”

“That’s the plan.”

“Where are you going to live?”

“I have some money from my share, remember? I’ll find myself a place. I never wanted to stay at Student Central forever. It’s just for a while. Just until I decide where to go.”

She looked at the Wicklow hills and a wave of melancholy came over her. “I wish I could have had it here”, she said. “With all of you. With Lexie. And Daniel.”

“Yes”, Justin whispered. “That would have been nice.”

She could see it: Lexie and her with round bellies, Daniel his usual protective self, just a bit happier. Rafe overjoyed and excited. Justin taking care of everything and loving every second of it. They could have made one of the spare rooms into a nursery with pastel colors on the walls and two cribs. Lexie and her could have sat together in the sitting room, nursing the babies. The two would have grown up together, best friends, in the middle of a group of best friends. Justin would have taken lots of pictures and Lexie would have taught them how to ride a bike and Daniel would have taught them to spell and Rafe would have thrown them up into the air and caught their giggling, small bodies under a light blue summer sky.

She had to stop at this point. The images were too vivid, and juxtaposed with reality… too painful.

All of a sudden, she noticed that Justin was staring at her belly.

“What?”, she asked, laughing.

He blushed a little, looking like a child that had been caught with his fingers in the cookie jaw. “Can I, um… can I touch it? Not if you don’t want me to, of course. Only if…”

“It’s fine”, she said, still laughing. Then, she simply took his hand and placed it on her belly. “There.”

He looked at her, amazed. “That’s incredible”, he said.

“Don’t pretend you can feel the heartbeat or anything like that!”, she said, chuckling. “It’s much too early for that.”

“I know! That’s not it. It’s just… it’s still incredible. Daniel and you are having a baby.”

She nodded, feeling happy for the first time in a long time. “Yes. We are.”

“I wish I could stay in Dublin”, he said, then. “But I have to get back to my job and I can’t quit now. I can drive down here every once in a while, though, if you want me to.”

She leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “That would be lovely. And when the baby’s born, you’ll be the first to know.”

It was getting late now. The sun was finally starting to set. Abby and Justin stayed in their spots for a long time, in the day’s last, faintly glowing light.

 

***

Three days later, Abby got a text from Rafe. It said:

**Sorry I was such a prick. Not sure exactly why I said those things. I know I can’t take them back. I should probably call to apologize in person… Sorry, anyway. And good luck.**

She replied with only a single word, because somehow it felt sufficient.

**Thanks.**

During the pregnancy, Justin visited her in Dublin three times. Each time, her belly was rounder and he was, without fail, amazed and excited by this. She found herself a nice three-bedroom apartment and he helped her move into it.

Christmas they spent together, because there was nobody else any of them would rather be with.

Then, on January 4, Abby gave birth in St. James Hospital. She gave Justin a call and he asked if he should come. She said to give her a few days. On January 8, he came with flowers for her and a fuzzy, yellow blanket to cuddle with for the baby.

Abby, who had finished her PhD in December, was now living off her share and taking time off everything else to care for the baby. It was a peaceful time, full of dimmed light and warmth and softly sung songs. She enjoyed walking around with the baby on her arm. It felt natural and easy somehow, like breathing.

By the end of the first month, Abby felt exhausted, but in a good way. Her sleep rhythm was now that of the baby. Asleep only for short amounts of time, half-awake in a sort of dreamy, in-between state, breast-feeding or rocking the baby or singing lullabies or talking softly, during many others. One night, when she was just about to drift off, suddenly a shrill, offensive noise cut through the air sharply. Immediately, she sat upright in bed and quickly reached for the source of the noise: her phone. She picked up before even checking the number, only to stop the ringing.

“Hello?”, she said breathlessly.

The baby in its cradle next to her stirred and made a small noise, but didn’t seem to be awake. Abby, with the phone pressed to her ear, quietly left the room and closed the door.

She noticed that the other person still hadn’t said anything.

“Justin?”, she asked, testing. In her heart, though, she knew it wasn’t Justin.

The other person was only breathing, not saying anything.

“Rafe?”, she whispered.

A sound. Then: “Yeah. Abby. Hi.”

“Hi”, she replied and felt an automatic smile spread on her face. She wasn’t sure whether the feeling of joy at hearing his voice was at all appropriate, but she couldn’t help it.

“Where are you?”, she asked then, because she noticed a suspicious lack of background noises.

“Alone”, he simply said.

“Are you drunk?”, she asked.

She could basically see that one-shouldered shrug. “Sort of”, he said, slurring the words ever so slightly. “Otherwise, I wouldn’t have… had it in me to call you, you know?”

“I see.”

“I’m not with my mates, though, if that’s what you mean. I wasn’t out with them tonight. Didn’t feel like it.”

“So you’re drinking on your own now.”

“Mention my drinking one more time and I’ll hang up.”

She took a deep breath. “Fine.”

There was a brief silence, then Abby said: “Don’t get me wrong, Rafe, I’m glad you’re talking to me, but I have to ask, what made you decide to call at this ungodly hour?”

“Oh, did I wake you?”, he asked, as if it had only just occurred to him that other people might actually be sleeping at three in the morning. Abby didn’t like what this implied about his daily, or rather nightly, routines.

“Sort of. Not really.”

“Sorry”, he said, a little embarrassed. “It’s just… I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I realized… it’s the end of January. The baby… must be there by now?”

Abby smiled. “Yes. Born on January 4.”

“January 4…”, he repeated, thoughtfully. Then, suddenly: “Congrats, Abby! Well done!”

She chuckled. “You know those women who say it doesn’t hurt one bit, it’s actually quite pleasant if you relax and just let it happen?”

“I suppose?”

“Don’t believe them! It hurts like bloody hell!”

Rafe laughed, and it sounded as if this took him by surprise. “Sorry to hear that!”, he said, with amusement. “Fair play to you for getting through that.”

“Thanks.”

“So… boy or girl?”

Again, Abby could hear the smile in her voice, when she said: “Girl.”

“A wee girl”, Rafe said contemplatively. Abby could feel him trying to imagine it. “What’s her name?”

“Madison Marie Stone.” Happily, she realized that she still really liked the sound of it.

“Madison?”, Rafe sounded startled. “Like…?”

“Yes. Like Lexie’s last name. It’s a tribute.”

“Ah.”

“And Marie is my middle name, as you may remember. Daniel once told me that he really liked it. Plus, I thought the alliteration was nice.”

“Madison Marie”, Rafe repeated slowly, trying it out.

“Yes. I’m going to call her Maddie, I think.” There was a tiny sound from behind the door, and Abby snuck back into the room, but Maddie wasn’t awake, only dreaming.

“Are you looking at her right now?”, Rafe asked quietly.

“I am”, Abby replied, amazed. In that moment, she remembered the connection she’d once had with Rafe, and with any of the others, and it hurt and felt good at the same time.

She looked at her daughter’s tiny, beautiful face and for a moment badly wanted to reach out and touch her fingers to the small lips that resembled Daniel’s so much.

“Does she… look like him?”, Rafe asked, and again it seemed as if he’d been reading her mind.

“Some parts do”, she replied honestly. “Some look a bit like me. And some like neither of us. She’s her own person, you know. Not just a mix of Daniel and me.”

“Of course. I know that.”

“What are you thinking about?”, Abby inquired gently.

Rafe’s voice sounded strained now. “About… what our baby would have looked like. Lexie’s and mine.”

“I do, too”, Abby whispered. “I think about your baby a lot.”

“Really?” He took a shivering breath. “Thanks. I’m glad that… I’m not the only one.”

“Of course not! I think about Daniel and Lexie and your baby all the time! I’m not going to forget any of them. And neither is Justin.”

“Justin… Has he seen the baby? Maddie?”

“Yeah. In fact, I asked him to be her godfather and he said yes. Do _you_ want to see her, Rafe?”

“I… I don’t think I can. Abby, I’m sorry, I just…”

“I understand”, she said quietly. “Maybe someday.”

“Yes”, he said. “Maybe.”

And Abby realized that they might not talk for a long time. She felt vulnerable and raw suddenly. She wanted to curl up under a blanket and stay there for a long time. Looking at Maddie helped, though. It grounded her somehow.

“Rafe”, she said. “Please take care of yourself.”

“I’m _trying!_ ” He sounded miserable.

“I know you are. Keep trying, okay?”

He sniffled. Abby wondered whether he was crying, or maybe standing outside in cold night air somewhere.

“Okay. Thanks for the talk, Abby. I was just really wondering… I’m glad I know her name now.”

“I’m glad you called. I miss you.”

“I miss you, too.”

“Talk to you soon?”

“Okay.”

They both knew they wouldn’t. But there had been a time where they had talked every single day, sometimes for hours, and admitting that they might not hear from each other for years was more than either of them could bear.

“Say Hi to Justin from me, alright?”

“I will. Take care of yourself, Rafe, you hear?”

“And you take good care of that baby of yours!”

She smiled. “I will.”

There was a small pause when the moment to hang up had come, but both her and Rafe were clinging to those last seconds of listening to each other’s breathing and feeling connected.

She knew he might not find the strength, so she said it first. “Bye, then. Good night.”

“Good night”, he said, his voice breaking, then hung up quickly.

Abby stared at her baby’s face for a long time, the phone still in hand. She kept waiting for Maddie to wake up, so she could feed or diaper her or just carry her around and have something to do. But the baby remained in her peaceful sleep, quick tiny breaths and curled hands and almost undetectable little twitches of muscle.

After a while, Abby laid the phone down and went back to bed, where she pulled the covers over her face and thought of the others and of Whitethorn House. The things she’d had. She knew, then, that she would keep them always, tucked away somewhere in herself, to take out and look at every once in a while and to never forget.

Then, she thought of what she still had. Justin, up North. He’d continue to visit, she knew that. He, at least, would stay with her and see her daughter grow up. She thought of Rafe, in London, who might come see her again someday. Maybe.

And she thought of the parts of Daniel that lived on in her daughter Maddie. One day, she thought, she would tell her about him and what he had died for.

To the rhythm of her baby’s breathing, Abby fell asleep and dreamt about Whitethorn House and Trinity and her new apartment.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
